Cloud Thought 20~Extraordinary

Extraordinary: By Cathy Shuter

I’m Katie. I regularly feel like a complete mess, but I do have my own story to tell and I am going to tell it to you now. Before I start there are a couple of things you should know:

 If you want to read a story about a cool girl, don’t read this.

Secondly, I love the band Green Day. They are an American punk band who formed in 1986. They are still going today, and I don’t know how I would have got this far in life without them. You don’t have to like them or even to have heard of them to read my story but please try and understand what their lyrics mean to me. I quote them all the time and so before I start my story I had better give credit to the people who wrote the music:

Billie Joe Armstrong, Tre Cool, Mike Dirnt, John Kiffmeyer, Michael Pritchard and Frank Iii Wright. They are all my heroes.

Every time I mention their lyrics I will write GD for Green Day and the song title, OK?

Thirdly, my story is divided into sections. Each section represents a particular part of my life and will have its own title. 

By the way,I have done some pretty stupid things in the course of my life. I have written about some of them here. I took unnecessary risks. I realise that now.Please don't copy me. Definitely don't copy me.

Here goes…

Part 1: Basket Case (Yes, you guessed it…This is inspired by a GD song title!)

I really hate my new school. I walked in on the first day and everyone turned around to stare at me and I just wished that the ground would hurry and swallow me up. I didn’t like my old school much either, but at least it was small and everyone there knew me even if they didn’t all like me much. I didn’t have a best friend, but I did have some people to talk to at break time.

 Thornberry School is huge. It is in the middle of the town, close to my new house. I actually hate my new house and Mum’s new boyfriend, but I will get to that in a minute.

Life seems pretty awful when I stop and think about it.

Dad left two years ago, and I really miss him. I hardly get to see him these days.

My sister Emily blames Dad for the break up, but I know it was Mum’s fault. All Mum ever seems to do is nag and so it is hardly surprising that Dad got fed up and left, is it? I have received the odd phone call, but that’s about it.

Emily always takes Mum’s side. She even thinks that Mum’s dreadful boyfriend is Ok and that clearly shows that she is mad.

Aidan is Mum’s boyfriend. Aidan is rich and stupid. Mum met him on a dating app. She tends to find everything online. Her grocery shopping is ordered and paid for online. All she does is wait for it all to turn up and then shriek at me and Emily to get us to unpack everything and put it away.

Aidan asked Mum to move in with him a couple of months ago. I think Mum had been struggling to pay the bills and we were on the verge of being evicted. Aidan suggested that we come and live with him and Mum jumped at the chance. This was selfish of her as it meant I was uprooted from one school and dumped in another, right in the middle of my GCSE year.

Emily was happy. She ended up with a big bedroom. That meant I was left with the poky little room at the back of the house.

It is hard to decide which is worse, hanging around the house, trying to keep away from that loser Aidan or having to put up with being at that terrible school.

As soon as I got to that school, I thought the pupils looked weird. They seemed to glare at me for about a minute when I first arrived, and then they looked away. I felt my cheeks going red and I felt hot and flustered.

I will never forget that first day, it was the first of many days of feeling awkward, bored, unhappy and stressed.

One or two of the girls did say 'hello' to me at first, but once they discovered I am no good at sport and I haven’t got a hot older brother, they soon lost interest. This was apart from a girl called Gina.

Gina seemed quite friendly at first. She talked to me at breaktime for a few days.  There was something about Gina that I didn’t really like. The other pupils seemed scared of her but at least she let me stand with her and her two mates, Beth and Anna. She didn’t seem to mind I had nothing to say. I never know what to say to people I don’t know. I am just so shy and awkward.

Beth and Anna did everything Gina asked them to. They followed her around and laughed at her jokes. They didn’t seem very interested in me to be honest. They acted as if they didn’t know why Gina was hanging around with me. I didn’t know the answer to that question either, but after a couple of days, the reason became obvious. Gina started asking me for money, so she could buy stuff at the school tuck shop. I had some pocket money on me the first time she asked so I was quite happy to give it to her to buy a bag of crisps, but the next day I didn’t have any money on me. Gina didn’t look at all happy.

“You can bring some in tomorrow then.” She hissed.

The way she said it made me realise that it wasn’t a good idea to argue with her. I didn’t want to wind Gina up as I suspected she wasn’t a very nice person. I decided to ask Mum for some money for the tuck shop. Mum did give me some change. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to get Gina some more crisps. The money solved the problem for that day but the next day I asked Mum for money and this time she refused. She said she had a bag of crisps that I could bring in instead.

I gave those crisps to Gina, but she refused them as they were a supermarket brand. She told me she didn’t eat cheap muck. She let me off that day but reminded me to bring in money next time.

I didn’t feel I could ask Mum for more money, but I knew I couldn’t risk upsetting Gina. I sneaked into Mum and Aidan’s room while they were watching TV downstairs. There was some loose change on their chest of drawers, so I took some of that. I gave Gina the money and she bought her favourite crisps. That problem was solved for a while at least.  I hung around with Gina and her mates, wishing I had someone else to talk to. Beth and Anna showed absolutely no interest in me. It was obvious that they were only putting up with me because Gina told them they had to.

Gina could be quite friendly sometimes. It depended on what mood she was in. At other times she could be cruel, and it didn’t take me long to discover quite how unkind she could be. The day I found out what she was really like, was the day a young boy called George walked past her. As he went past, Gina put out her foot and tripped him up.

As he fell flat on his face, Gina burst out laughing. Beth and Anna joined in enthusiastically.

I felt quite sorry for the poor kid. I helped him back onto his feet. That turned out to be a mistake because as I helped him, I noticed the look on Gina’s face.

“Don’t expect to hang around me anymore. Stick with your boyfriend here, as you care about him so much.” Gina muttered.

As she walked off, she barged into me with her elbow before sauntering off down the corridor accompanied by her gross mates.

At that moment, I felt more alone than ever. From that day, Gina stopped talking to me. Beth and Anna started giving me filthy looks.

I was sure that Gina wasn’t the kind of person you would want as an enemy!

It turned out that I was right about that. Gina, her mates and I are all in Year Eleven.

George is in Year Seven.

Gina started to spread rumours that I was going out with George. The girls in my form thought this was funny and they started passing notes around. People kept looking over at me then smirking, so I knew that they were writing stuff about me. I felt miserable. I was glad to go home for the weekend.

The following morning, I woke up with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t really face the thought of going to school, so I got out of bed and put my forehead against the radiator. I was hot and sweaty when Mum knocked on the door to tell me it was time to get up. I groaned and told her that I felt ill. Mum believed me and let me stay in bed.

While I wasn’t physically ill, I was tired and so I slept most of the morning. When I woke up, I got out of bed and I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror. My hair was a frizzy mess and I had puffy eyes. I looked so ugly. No wonder nobody likes me.

I had to go back to school the next day and things went from bad to worse. The week really seemed to drag, and Mum could tell I was unhappy. She told me that she hoped I would cheer up when I knew what I have got from my birthday. My birthday was on Saturday. I was turning 16.

We got up and I opened my presents. Mum bought me an iPhone. I was delighted. We all went out to bowling and had a pizza. It was good apart from the fact that Aidan came too. When we got home, Emily helped me to install some apps on my phone and I was ready to go.

Surprisingly I was added into a WhatsApp group. It consisted of some of the pupils in my year. I must admit I was surprised but took it as a sign that maybe some of the pupils were ready to start including me more.

Gina didn’t have much to do with me at school any more, but she did talk to me on Social Media. Things seemed Ok for a couple of weeks. I managed to ignore Aidan and his annoying comments at home by spending most of my time in my room on my phone.

One or two of the girls started talking to me at school occasionally and I started to feel happier until the day I was about to walk into the classroom and I heard voices. I quickly realised that the group were talking about me. I stood frozen to the spot, unable to stop myself listening despite hating what I was hearing.

Julie was one of the girls. She was taking to Mille. She told her that I was boring and ugly and that she hated having me in the class.

Millie agreed and told her friend that she won’t be inviting me to her party.

I felt sick. By this time, I was far too embarrassed to walk into my classroom and so I ran to the toilets and locked myself in. I felt so miserable.

A bit later a teacher passed by calling my name. I said nothing, but she came into the room and knocked on the door.

“Is that you Katie?” she asked.

I did not reply at first, but she kept on knocking and threatening to go and get the caretaker so in the end I unbolted the door.

I came out of the toilet and she asked me if I had been crying. She asked me what the matter was, and I told her that nothing was the matter.

I did go to my next lesson, mainly so that she would leave me alone. I spent the lesson doodling on an exercise book. I didn’t look up at all that lesson as I couldn’t face looking at Millie and Julie after what they said abut me.

Time dragged by until it was finally the end of school. I walked out of the school gates thinking how boring and stupid I am. No wonder nobody can stand me.

When I got home, Mum hardly looked up from her laptop. Aidan was playing on his PlayStation like he was pretending to be a teenager or something. My sister was out. Noone cared if I was there or not so I went upstairs and shut myself in my room.

I wish I was cooler. I figured that if I was cooler then people would like me more.

I did have a good idea though. I decided to give my dinner money away. At least giving cash might buy a little time and attention from people, I reasoned. I also persuaded Mum to let me have my hair cut. It had always been long and curly, but it was a real mess. I decided to have it cut shorter. When I came out of the hairdressers I think I did look a bit better but as it was raining it ruined my hairstyle as my hair went all frizzy again. I started wearing a little bit of makeup to school too so I looked a bit more like everyone else.

The plan to give away my money worked for a while. The people I gave money to would let me sit with them at break sometimes, so I didn’t feel so much of a loner.

One day I came out of school feeling a bit more cheerful. I got home and found I had a WhatsApp message.  It became immediately obvious that the message wasn’t intended for me though because it was basically devoted to everyone slagging me off. They said I looked like a clown with my new hair cut and makeup.

Something inside me snapped then. I decided I had to change. I created a new profile calling myself Kimberley. Kimberley isn’t a loser like me, Kimberley is cool. On my profile I described Kimberley as tall, slim and sporty. These are all things I am not, so I realised that I had to be creative if I was going to add a photo to my new profile. I took my phone and headed to the park. I started looking out for suitable girls. There were quite a few girls in the park then. I started looking round for someone who matched the image I had in my head of what Kimberley would look like.

Eventually I found a pretty girl about my age who was jogging. I snapped a sneaky photo of her as she jogged by. Although she was running she managed to look pretty. Her complexion was healthily pink, and her beautiful blond hair was in a neat high pony tail. She wore immaculate jogging bottoms and her tee-shirt was pure white. If I wore that tee-shirt it would have stains all down it.

The photo was a good one and the girl didn’t notice me take it. I was able to enlarge the image a bit and crop the picture to make it suitable for my profile picture.

Kimberley turned out to be very popular on social media. Before long she was getting friend requests from pupils at my school and Kimberley accepted them all. A lot of boys were interested in her. Two popular boys from my class added her as a friend. They had never even bothered speaking to me.

They were friendly, chatty and flirty. Of course, I loved it as acting on behalf of Kimberley made me feel popular and pretty although I knew I wasn’t.

I spent more and more time online being Kimberley. I loved it.

There was this boy called Adam I really liked the look of. He lived in Manchester which is quite a long way away from here. Adam plays Rugby, he has this gorgeous muscly body and loads of online friends. I loved flirting with him and I must have got quite good at it because before long, he asked me for my phone number. I panicked a bit at this because I worried that he might realise what a dork I am if he spoke to me.

In the end, curiosity got the better of me and I gave him my number. I was so nervous when my phone started to ring. I could feel my heart thumping! I was all shaky and sweaty but at least he wouldn’t know that just from speaking to me on the phone, I reasoned.

I managed to croak ‘Hello’ and then I was rewarded by having the chance to listen to the most warm, friendly voice ever. I was nervous and giggly at first, but Adam soon put me at my ease and soon I was flirting and making him laugh.

We agreed to meet up at Manchester train station at the weekend before I had time to engage my brain and really think about what I was agreeing to.

As soon as the call ended I realised what an idiot I am. How the hell was I going to be able to meet Adam in Manchester? I had no money and no idea how to get to Manchester by train! I hate going anywhere on my own and I feel sick even thinking about using Public Transport.

Even if I got there, I had the minor problem that I am not Kimberley. I don’t look like Kimberley. I am boring old Katie. I am 16 and Adam is 17.

Tears slid down my face when I faced reality. I felt sorry for myself, but I was hooked on Adam and I carried on talking to him on Messenger and he kept telling me how lovely I am that a tiny part of me started to believe it and I decided that I would go to Manchester after all.

We got on so well online and by phone. I know I am not pretty like Kimberley, but I figured maybe he would give me a chance. He really seemed to like me.

I had the problem of scraping the money together for the train fare. I also needed to figure out the route and have a cover story for Mum.

I decided to pretend that I had been invited to a bowling party with some friends from school.

Mum was so pleased that I had apparently made some friends and Aidan was pleased to have me out of his house that he gave me the money for bowling. I took more money from his wallet when he wasn’t looking. I grabbed enough to get a return ticket to Manchester and to buy some food. I would have felt guilty about stealing from someone nice or someone poor, but Aidan was neither of those. He was rich and nasty. I used up all my spare energy worrying about getting on the train on my own. I didn’t have any energy left to worry about pinching money from a rich, ignorant man.

I looked up the train times and arranged to meet Adam at the station at 11am on Saturday.

That morning I spent ages getting ready. I was too excited to eat breakfast and then left the house. I couldn’t stop shaking but I was determined.

I took a bus to the train station feeling sick the whole time and then caught the train to Manchester. By this time my legs were tapping, my anxiety was so great.

I arrived at the train station at 2 minutes to 11.I saw Adam standing at the platform waiting. He looked gorgeous. Forgetting all my fears, I leapt out of the train and rushed up to him.

I will never forget the look on his face.

He had been looking all smiley and friendly but when I introduced myself as Kimberley, his face dropped. He looked stunned and he stumbled over his words.?

“Yyou ccan’t be Kimberley, you look nothing like her!” He accused.

I had to admit that I did look a bit different from Kimberley’s profile picture then I started trying to persuade Adam to give me a chance.

Adam looked horrified. He told me that I was a liar and a weirdo and that there was no way he was going on a date with me. He told me he was blocking me on social media.

As he stormed off, I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. What little confidence I had left just crumbled onto the platform. I stood there in the rain. Of course, it would be raining.

I got soaked but I just stood there with the makeup and tears running down my face, along with the raindrops.

Eventually I had no choice but to catch another train and bus home.

I realised how stupid I had been taking risks meeting strangers, stealing and lying.

When I got in, Mum grunted but hardly looked up from her laptop. Nobody else spoke to me. I was glad of that though as it meant I could go upstairs, curl upon my bed and cry.

I cried and cried. I played music to drown out the sound. I never thought I would stop but in the end I did, and then I fell asleep listening to my all-time favourite band.

Part 2: Coming Clean (You know that is a GD song, don’t you?)

When I woke up I felt a bit better. I went online and discovered that I had a nice message from one of the boys at school. It was James. He is good looking and sporty, so it is no surprise he was attracted to Kimberley but this time I had learnt my lesson. I wasn’t going to agree to meet him.

His message asked me to chat to him on Messenger and so I did. I wasn’t in a very good mood though, so I didn’t bother putting in much effort. This didn’t seem to bother James though, he sent me lots of funny, clever and sweet messages. I gave short, boring responses at first, but this didn’t seem to put him off. He kept messaging me and making me laugh. He really cheered me up that weekend. I did tell him I was in a bad mood because I had been on a date that didn’t work out. Well that was the truth and I think it is best to stay as close as you can to the truth, don’t you?

He asked me if he could have my phone number, but I told him I wanted to take things slow. He was fine with that.

James turned out to have quite a lot in common with me. By me, I mean real me, not Kimberley.

We both love going on bike rides. We both like Haloumi cheese more than any other cheese in the world. Most importantly we both adore the band Green Day. He was the first person I have known who also likes them. As soon as I heard how much James liked the band, my admiration for him increased.

I genuinely liked everything about James. The difficult thing was that I saw him at school every day as Katie and he had no idea that I am also Kimberley or Kim as he liked to call me. The weird thing is that despite this he did seem friendlier towards me in school.

He was one of the few boys who so much as looked in my direction. Once he caught me looking over at him and instead of blanking me like the others do, he smiled.

If only I had the confidence to become his friend, but the fact is I haven’t.

Why would James be interested in me when he knows someone like Kim likes him?

The more I talked to James online, the more I acted more like my real geeky self. James didn’t seem to mind, in fact, he liked it!

He told me that I made a refreshing change from many of the girls at his school who were obsessed by image and makeup.

He told me that he doesn’t really like makeup.

From that day I stopped wearing it to school.

Knowing James made life just that little bit more bearable. He made life a lot more bearable, actually.

James is funny, clever and kind. What not to like?

I am boring, plain and geeky. Kim is cool, pretty and sporty. The problem is that Kim doesn’t really exist.

Have you noticed that once you tell a lie, you are committed to it? There is no backing out from it.

I would love to have told James the truth that there is no Kim, only me, boring old Katie.

I would have loved to have told him, but I couldn’t.

This meant that James and I developed a deeper and deeper online friendship. Every time James asked for my number or asked to meet me, I refused. Every time he expressed his disappointment, but he never held it against me. He was always understanding and incredibly patient.

In the end I gave in and let him have my phone number. I figured that he hardly heard me speak in school, so it would be unlikely that he would recognise my voice on the phone.

When he did phone me, I was nervous, but he was so calm and reassuring that I soon felt more relaxed. I started letting him know some details about my life. I felt bad lying about sporting achievements. Luckily, he didn’t dwell on talking about sport. We talked more about music which is a passion of mine. As we were talking it started raining heavily.

James said, ‘Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars….’

As he said those words my heart started thumping. I immediately recognised the beautiful lyrics to one of my favourite songs:

‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ by my beloved band Green Day.

I completed the lyric by adding, ‘…drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are.’

I was so happy.

As you know I find it hard to get on with other people. They never seem interested in things I have to say or in anything that I love or know about. When James mentioned those lyrics, I felt more acceptance from him than I have felt from anyone in a long time.

We spent over an hour talking on the phone. Just before our call ended, he asked me if we could meet.

I went quiet.

James picked up on my hesitance and told me it was Ok, he could wait.

After the call I felt elated but when I came downstairs for dinner my mood plummeted as I descended the stairs.

 Since moving into Aidan’s we didn’t eat together any more. That suited me as I hate the sound of Aidan chewing and showing off. I really couldn’t stand him.

I heated up my dinner in the microwave. Mum and Aidan had eaten earlier. I have no idea what Emily was up to. She may have been in her room. She is a bit older than me and finds me an embarassment. I picked at my food a bit before heading back to my room.

I have never been a cuddly person, but I did used to allow Mum to give me a peck on the cheek before I left the house for school each morning. All that stopped when Aidan came along. I think Mum enjoyed showering her affection on Aidan and he lapped it all up like a greedy puppy.

I have never enjoyed cuddles. I don’t really like people touching me. If a relative came to hug me I would dodge out of the way and maybe ‘High Five’ them if I really had to make contact. My family got used to it and I don’t think it was a problem until Aidan came along.

One night I heard my name being mentioned as I left my bedroom to go to the toilet.

Aidan was telling Mum that he thought there was something wrong with me. Mum defended me a bit. Not everyone is ‘touchy feely’, she explained but Aidan insisted that I was ‘a weirdo.’

I was upset and angry when I heard this. I went back into my room and slammed the door. I didn’t care if Mum and Aidan heard me or not.

Not long after that, Mum made an appointment for me to go to the doctor. I had no idea why. Mum didn’t tell me anything about it until we pulled up in the surgery car park. Once we parked, she turned to me and started gabbling on about me needing a check-up. I had no idea why. I got out of the car and walked into the surgery with her. I felt nervous as I don’t like unexpected appointments or anything like that.

Once we were in the doctor’s office my anxiety raised further. Mum came in with me and basically told the doctor that she thinks there is something wrong with me. I was stunned. I watched Mum’s mouth moving as she spoke, but I found it hard to focus on her words. From what I was able to take in it sounded like she was directly quoting Aidan.

After the appointment, I was in a terrible mood.

As we arrived home, I stormed into my room and flung myself on the bed. I wouldn’t speak to Mum or anyone else in that awful house.

When James phoned, I almost didn’t answer, I felt so low. Something made me answer though and straight away he picked up on my mood. He asked me what had upset me. It was very hard to find the words. I couldn’t say anything.

After a long pause James started to sing,

‘Forget all the disappointments you have faced, open up your world and let me in.’

I started crying at that. He was singing ‘One For The Razorbacks by GD.’

I am a noisy crier. I blub, and snort and so now James definitely knows that I am not cool.

I trusted him enough to let him know that Mum had dragged me to the doctor as she thinks I am mad. The doctor said he thought I was anxious and made a referral for me to see a mental health team.

I felt betrayed by Mum and hated Aidan more than ever.

The only good thing about my life at that time was James. He seemed to accept my weirdness.

This made me happy mostly, but also sad as I couldn’t help thinking he would reject me if he knew who I really am.

I dragged myself into school most days, just so I could see James. All other aspects of school were intolerable. Nobody else spoke to me. James smiled at me whenever he saw me looking over and if we passed one another in the corridor he would say 'Hello.' I got so nervous around him that I couldn’t reply. I bet that made him think I was unfriendly as well as all the other loser-like qualities I possessed. He kept up the friendliness though, I admired him more than ever for that. I sat behind him for Maths. He was so close I wished I could reach out and stroke his wavy black hair. Wanting to touch someone was so unlike me I got butterflies in my stomach every time I looked at him.

Maths was the only subject where I sat anywhere near James. For all the other lessons I sat at the back of the room on my own.

Being at school all day drained me. I felt lonely and stressed so as soon as I got home I would go upstairs and shut myself in my room and speak to James.

James was the single good thing in my life.

Every so often he would ask to see me, and I would have to refuse. Every time I did that, I worried that he would lose interest and move onto another girl.

I thought the awful day had arrived, when I saw James and Bella walk out of their English class together. I was in a lower set because I may have a good vocabulary, but I find it very hard to write down my ideas if I am given a task I have no enthusiasm for.

Anyway, I saw them walk out of the room and Bella linked arms with him and he seemed happy. They were both smiling and laughing.

I felt like someone had poured cold water over me. I ran to the toilets and locked myself in. I was shaking and crying. I felt like such a baby for doing this. My crying made me angry. I was pathetic. I pinched my arm hard. I pinched it so hard it left a bruise but weirdly that made me feel better. I stopped crying and somehow managed to release my anger. I went out to splash water over my face and then dried it on paper towels.

I skipped the last lesson and when I got home I made sure my phone was switched off, so James couldn’t speak to me.

I couldn’t help turning my phone on later in the night and I noticed I had two missed calls and answerphone messages.

On the first message James was strumming a guitar and sang, ’The gleam in your eyes, it troubles my brain. Will I see it again so that I can rest my head?’ (Rest by GD)

I couldn’t help smiling at that.

The second message had more guitar music in the background and this time James sang, ‘I do not mind if all I am is just a friend to you, but all I want to know right now is if you think about me too?’

 (Paper Lanterns by GD)

The second message made me cross. Of course, I thought about him. I thought about him all the time. He was too busy thinking about Bella at school though. That was unfair on both of us.

I eventually fell asleep but was jolted awake by my phone ringing. I had forgotten to switch it off. I jumped up to answer it before the ring tone woke the whole house up. It was 3am.

James wanted to know if I was OK. I couldn’t lie. I told him that I really liked him, but I was pretty sure he didn’t like me in the same way. I hinted that I thought he probably had a girlfriend at school.

James denied this, but I didn’t believe him. It was very difficult to tackle him though as Kim wouldn’t know anything about what was going on at James’s school.

Suddenly I had a brilliant idea. I changed the subject and asked James to talk about the pupils in his class. James was happy enough to do this. He told me about them all. I thought his assessment of people was spot on. When he described Bella, I started to grind my teeth, I was feeling so tense. He was nice about Bella, but he didn’t sound too enthusiastic. I told him Bella sounded nice.

‘I bet you fancy her?’ I added.

James went quiet for a while. He told me that he used to go out with Bella, but they spilt up months ago and now they were just good friends.

I didn’t know what to think. He had looked happy enough when I saw them together, I couldn’t help thinking.

I went quiet. I couldn’t very well keep on about Bella. Kim hasn’t even met her.

James carried on talking. He described some more pupils and eventually he came to me.

James paused.

After what seemed like ages, James started talking about me.

‘Katie is a new girl. There is something about her. I think she is a unique character. I would like to get to know her more, but she is so shy. She hardly speaks.’

I was silent for ages.

Then I sang these words: ‘She’s an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world.’ (GD’s Extraordinary Girl)

James stayed silent for a while but then he replied, ‘I think you are right.’ He said.

That phone call was a turning point for me. I knew right then I had strong feelings for James. He was so kind, sensitive and beautiful. He even tried to understand Katie, the real me, Katie The Freak!

I found my feelings overwhelming. James was falling for this beautiful girl called Kim who doesn’t exist, and I was falling for James.

That was difficult enough, but the pressure I felt then was nothing compared to the way I felt the next weekend.

I couldn’t wait for James to call. I lay on my bed listening to music, waiting for him to call me.

When he called me, I was stunned by what he said.

He told me that he had been jogging in the park and he made a complete fool of himself. He said that he had stopped to rest on a bench and I jogged right past him!

I had no idea what he was talking about at that moment. I hate jogging and I hadn’t been out of the

 house all day. James continued with his story. He told me that he had shouted ‘Kim, it’s me, it’s James!’

The girl stopped jogging and looked at James.

‘I am not Kim, I am Jade.’ The girl replied.

My heart sank as I slowly realised what had happened. James must have gone to the same park as the jogger I photographed for my profile. Her name must be Jade.

I could hardly focus on what James was saying. I heard him say something about her sitting on the bench and chatting to him.

I couldn’t hear any more. I switched off my phone.

What were the odds on him bumping into her. It must be fate. Maybe they were destined to be united. I had stupidly brought them together.

I was too devastated to do much that weekend. I wasn’t hungry. I lay in the dark with my phone off feeling very sorry for myself.

I think Mum was worried about me. When she knocked on the door and came into my room I wouldn’t speak to her, so she sent my sister up. I still didn’t speak so horror of horrors, up came Aidan!

Aidan is a brute. He is rude, stupid and mean. I hate him.

I screamed at him to get out of my room. He wouldn’t budge so I grabbed a book end I had on my shelf and I threw it at him. He went crazy. He started jumping up and down, screaming at me and calling me an ungrateful brat.

Mum came puffing up the stairs and managed to get Aidan back downstairs. It was just as well. I wanted to kill him!

I sat on my bed rocking and slapping myself.

Mum came back into my room and yelled at me to stop.  She told me I was behaving like a lunatic.

I guess I was but didn’t know how to stop.

Mum walked out of the room and I heard her on the landing talking to someone on the phone.

I didn’t take much notice at the time, I was too upset.

In the end I fell asleep. I was completely exhausted.

When I woke up I turned my phone back on later that night.

There was another message from James. This time he played and sang me a whole song. It was ‘Only Of You.’ By GD. The lyrics that stood out most for me were these:

‘I know that we’re only friends. I hope this feeling never ends. If I could only hold you, it’s the only thing I wanna do.’

I almost gave in and forgave James there and then, but not quite. It is all very well knowing a few song lines, but he was probably singing to Jade right now.

In the end, I did message him these lyrics:

‘Why don’t you just leave me alone, this conflict is my own.’ They are from GD’s ‘I Want To be Alone.’

Anyone else would get the message, but not James. He kept sending me phone messages of him singing. He sounded so lovely, but I had made my mind up. I needed to cut him out of my life before he hurt me too much.

School became a living hell. I kept going into the toilets and pinching myself until I bruised up. My arms started to look a real mess, so I always made sure I wore long sleeves.

One Monday I caught James looking over at me. He caught my eye and smiled at me. I looked at the desk trying to avoid his gaze and then I decided I had to get out of the class. My chair scraped as I got up and I left the room. I went to the toilets, but they were all occupied. I had nowhere else to go so I sank down onto the floor outside the toilet door and started rocking.

The next thing I knew someone was helping me up. They gently guided me out onto the playing field and led me over to a bench. Out of the corner of my eye I realised that the ‘someone’ was James.

I didn’t have any fight left in me, so I didn’t resist.

James sat quietly next to me with his arm round me. I rested my head on his shoulder and cried.

We sat like that for a long time but then someone noticed us. A teacher approached and asked us to come in at once.

James calmly stated that we would come in when I was feeling up to it.

He said it so firmly but politely that the teacher didn’t really know what to do. She went back into the school.

‘Don’t worry Katie, it’s going to be OK.’ He soothed. He took a necklace off and gently fastened it around my neck. I didn’t stop him. This was a perfect moment for me.

‘What is it?’ I asked James, looking at the beautiful green stone hanging around my neck.

James told me that it was Malachite and that Malachite is a ‘transformation stone.’ He told me that it would bring healing and transformation to anyone who wore it.

I started humming a tune. It was ‘2000 Light Years Away’ by GD.

James picked up on the tune right away and started to sing, ‘She holds my malachite so tight so….Never let go.’

He then stopped and looked straight at me. You are a remarkable girl Katie. You remind me so much of a girl I know. Her make is Kim. Just like you she is lovely, but she doesn’t know it either.’

I didn’t know what to say then.

I knew I had to say something though.

In the end I blurted out, ‘I am a lot like Kim because Kim is me.’

James looked shocked. He didn’t say anything for ages. We just sat there together.

He looked like he was about to say something but at that moment Mum arrived with a strange woman.

Part 3: Don’t Leave Me (GD)

Mum insisted I went into the SENCO’s office with her and the complete stranger. James gently took my hand and walked me there. I had no strength to stop him.

We went into the room and James sat down next to me. He didn’t let go of my hand.

Mum didn’t look too pleased, but The SENCO told her that it might be better for me to have a friend with me. James gently squeezed my hand.

The Stranger explained what she was doing there. The night I had that row with Aidan was also the night when Mum rang for help. The Stranger explained that she worked for The Children and Young People’s Mental Health Services. She told me that I seemed very anxious and she would like to try and help me with this. She asked me if I thought that might help me. I didn’t answer.’

Instead I hummed the first line of another Green Day song. It is called ‘Don’t Leave Me.’

'I’ve gone thru pain every day and night. I feel my mind is going insane, something I can’t fight.’

James smiled at me and scribbled something down on a little scrap of paper that was lying on the desk. He folded it up and thrust it into my hand as the adults rambled on. I slowly unwrapped the note.

‘Don’t worry, I am not going anywhere.’ He wrote.

I knew right then that James was someone very special, but I also knew I had lied to him and I bet that would be hard for James as he seemed so honest and kind.

He did seem quieter online for a while. At school I tried to give him some space, so I didn’t talk to him face to face for about a week. I was busy worrying about my approaching appointment with The Stranger.

One Monday, I was in the school library looking for a book on poetry. I love poetry. I guess that is another of my quirks. I found a book of poems by someone called Rumi. I decided to get it out as it looked very interesting. I stood in the queue and then noticed James looking over at me from a table. He hummed lyrics from GD’s song ‘At The Library.’

‘Staring across the room, are you leaving soon? I just need a little time.’

I got the message. I gave him a small smile and he blew me a kiss. I floated out of the room right then. I had read him right. He wanted to be there for me, but he needed time to get over the shock of Katie and Kim being the same person.

A couple of days later James sent me a YouTube clip of GD singing ‘I was There.’

The lyrics made so much sense.

‘At times I feel overwhelmed, I question what I can give. But I don’t let it get me down or cause me too much sorrow. There’s no doubt about who I am. I always have tomorrow.’

I loved watching them perform that song. The singer, Billie Joe Armstrong, looked great. I realised all I had to do was give James some time to adjust and he would be back in my life.

I played GD’s 80 after that. I had to laugh at the lyrics. They could definitely be applied to me.

‘Sometimes I wonder if I should be left alone and lock myself up in a padded room.’

It felt good to have someone even attempting to understand me.

I loved wearing James’s gemstone around my neck. I didn’t take it off. I felt safe and protected wearing it. James made me feel that way too, safe and protected.

As I waited for James to make contact I started looking for some help for me. I didn’t want to rely on The Stranger for help, so I started to explore online forums and self-help groups.

I found anxiety support groups. Some were helpful, some were not. Some of the other teens on the forums seemed to have serious issues. 

I was dreading my appointment with The Stranger. I had no idea what she was going to say about me.

I started to feel more anxious than ever.

James messaged me that evening. He asked me if he could come around, the following day. I knew Mum, Aidan and Emily were off to the cinema then as I had been invited but refused to go. I find cinemas too loud. That seemed a perfect time for James to come over. I gave him my address.

I felt nervous but excited. When he knocked at the door I could feel my heart thumping in my chest.

I let him in and he gave me a hug and I was happy!

I made us both a cup of tea and we carried them up to my room. We sat on the bed, side by side and James started fiddling with my laptop. He was on YouTube looking for a song.

It was GD’s Dry Ice:

‘Late last night I had a dream, and she was in it again. She and I were in the sky, flying hand in hand.’

He reached over and took my hand and together we pretended to fly around the room.

James told me that he was a bit shocked that I pretended to be Kim, but he was also amazed that he then accidentally bumped into Jade. Once it had all sunk in he realised that I felt so bad about myself that I didn’t think anyone would like the real me.

‘I like the real you.’ James told me.

I felt a warm glow passing over my body. We sat down again, and James said he had something that he wanted to tell me. He told me that I wasn’t the only person he knew that found life hard. He told me about his brother Stephen. He did mention him briefly when we first started talking but I didn’t show much interest until James told me that Stephen had been very unhappy when he was younger. He was 25 now and living happily in his own flat.

I was interested to hear about Stephen. It helped to know that other people struggle with life but then things work out for them.

From an early age, Stephen told his family that he was gay. He told his parents that he liked boys. The family weren’t sure what to think at first as he was so young when he said it. He struggled at school as he saw things very differently from many of the other boys. Stephen grew into a very angry, unhappy person. He got excluded from school for fighting one day. He had been teased and beaten up one time too many.  He was not a violent person, but he felt that lashing out was the only thing he could do. His parents were very worried about him.

James’s parents sound amazing though because once Stephen turned 16 he calmed down and he met a boy and started going out with them. His parents were positive and understanding. James liked Stephen’s boyfriend. He was called Rob. He enjoyed visiting them in their flat in London.  It became obvious to me that James had a lovely family. I wished that my own family were as supportive as them.

James and I had a great evening together. I felt so comfortable in his presence, I felt I could tell him anything.

We looked at the Rumi book and read some of the more beautiful poems aloud.

‘Put your thoughts to sleep.

Do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.

Let go of thinking.’

Rumi

How perfect is that?

James went home, just before my family got back. We both felt that would be the best thing to do. Before he left the house, he pulled me over to him and kissed me. Time seemed to slow down. The kiss was gentle, like a butterfly fluttering its wings on my lips. My stomach turned a summersault!

That evening was the best evening ever.

Once James got home he played me GD’s 1000 Hours over the phone. He accompanied himself on the guitar.

‘Let my hands flow through your hair. Moving closer a kiss we share.’

What a magical night.

Once he finished singing, I messaged him the lyrics to ‘The One I Want.’

‘Now you know how I feel, this love is forever.’

As I wrote the lyrics down I knew I meant every word. I also knew that there is no way I would have the confidence to actually say those words.

At school we became inseparable. We walked hand in hand around the school taking no notice of anyone who tried to make a joke out of it.

James invited me over to his place. He walked over to collect me after school, as he knew I don’t really like going to new places on my own. I felt nervous waiting at the door for James to get his key out and let me in.

Part 4: Hold On (GD)

Once in the house, James introduced me to his parents. I was surprised that James’s Dad Luke had green hair. He wasn’t anything like I expected a Dad to be but then his Mum Lily was unconventional too. She had some beautiful tattoos and piercings. I couldn’t stop staring at her. They were both friendly and welcoming. I found it quite easy to answer their questions which is unusual for me as I clam up when I don’t know people.

Lily made us all hot chocolate and James and I took ours up to his room. His room is fabulous. He has a beautiful guitar and his book shelves are covered in books. Lots of them are about music which is one of his passions. I was delighted to see he unashamedly had a Green Day poster on his wall.

We sat together on his bed and chatted. He had his arm round me and that felt right. After a while he got up and picked up a sketch pad. He sat in a chair near the bed so that he could sketch me.

I knew he was good at art as I had seen some of his art in school. It had been framed and put up in the art room. Despite knowing how talented he was, I was amazed when I saw the finished sketch of me. He captured my expression perfectly along with my frizzy hair. He managed to make me look cute rather than the mess I really am.

After that he played GD’s 'American Idiot' and we jumped around the room like mad playing air guitar and singing along.

Lily asked if I wanted to eat with them. I am glad I agreed as she made the most delicious Haloumi skewers with salad. That is my dream meal!

After dinner, I floated home on a cloud of happiness. James, walked me to the end of my road, gave me a kiss and then walked home himself. I let myself into my house.

 I didn’t realise that it was getting late and when I got into my house Aidan let me ‘have it with both barrels.’ He told me I was lazy, selfish and rash. He ranted, and he raved. Mum did nothing to stop him. She stood there glaring at me. Emily didn’t spring to my defence either. She stayed in the lounge watching TV.

 (Isn't 'have it with both barrels' a funny expression. I had to ask what it meant the first time I heard it but now I know, I use it all the time!)

I walked upstairs to my room. Aidan followed me. I went into my room and tried to slam the door, but Aidan had his foot in the door, so I couldn’t. He told me how rude it was, just walking away.

Aidan demanded to know where I had been.

I yelled that I had been somewhere where I was understood and appreciated. My reply wasn’t good enough for Aidan. He demanded to know exactly where I had been, and in the end, I told him I was at my boyfriend’s house where he had a nice normal family and he didn’t have to put up with a loser like him. That shut him up. He didn’t even know I had a boyfriend. I could almost see the cogs whirring in his brain. He lumbered back downstairs, and I could hear Mum and Aidan talking.

I didn’t listen to what they were saying though as I had a plan.

I decided to run away. I had to get away. I couldn’t put up with Aidan any longer.

I worked out that if I borrowed some money from Aidan’s wallet and went out tomorrow morning, I could make my way to Dads. I felt a tiny bit guilty at the prospect of taking more money, but I figured once I got to Dads and settled in then Dad could pay Aidan back.

It would be a Saturday, so nobody would report me missing for a while, if they even noticed I had gone.

I had Dad’s address as I found that in Mum’s address book the other day. I wanted to tell James, but I didn’t want to put him under any pressure. When Mum and Aidan found out I had gone they were bound to try and track down James, my one and only friend. They hadn’t met him, but I bet they could locate him by asking at school. My plan was that once I got to Dad’s and explained how terrible my life is at Mum’s he would take me in and then I could get in touch with James and take it from there.

I spent the rest of the evening planning a route to Dad’s. He lived in The Lake District which is about 2 hours away by train. I had to go from Leeds to Manchester, Manchester to Wigan and Wigan to Oxenholme in the Lake District before arriving at Windermere. I figured I would be so stressed after all those changes that I would try and get a taxi from the station to Dad’s house. I couldn’t phone him as I didn’t have his number.

Mum banned me and Emily from having his number. She let him phone us every now and then, but the calls were rare.

As I packed my clothes into a rucksack I spent the time thinking how much I hated Mum and Aidan right now. Mum had basically given up on me and was pouring all her efforts into making Aidan happy.

My train was due at 8.50am so I knew I needed to catch an early bus. From my adventure meeting Adam, I knew that the bus took about 30 minutes to get to the bus station.

I decided to leave the house at 8am and walk down the road to the bus stop. I chose the one that isn’t too close to my house. I didn’t think anyone would be up at that time, but I couldn’t risk them seeing me.

My cover story was that I had gone into town to buy a CD. If they believed that they wouldn’t suspect anything until the evening and by that time I would be long gone. I wrote them a note explaining that I had gone into Leeds.

I really wanted to message James and tell him what I was doing but that was too risky.

I found a Youtube clip of GD live performing  ‘Going To Pasalaqua.’

The lyrics ‘Would it last forever, you and I together hand in hand?

We run away (far away)’

That should leave him a clue.

I could hardly sleep I was so excited and scared.

I made sure Mum and Aidan were both downstairs before sneaking into their room, taking the train -fare out of Aidan’s wallet.

I never thought the morning would arrive but eventually it did.

I got up, grabbed my things and left the house quietly.

I took a bag of crisps to keep me going and waited at the bus stop for the bus. It arrived on time and I bought a ticket.

Stepping on that bus felt liberating. I knew the route, I had done it before and each mile was a mile further away from Mum and Aidan.

I arrived at the train station, bought my ticket and waited for the train. I kept my phone as I didn’t want anyone trying to contact me or trying to talk me out of what I had decided to do.

I missed James though. I imagined us together in his room listening to music, reading Rumi and maybe we would be sketching me again or kissing me. Kissing me would be best.

Catching the Manchester train was Ok and when I arrived at Wigan it was quite straightforward finding the platform to Oxenholme. I couldn’t help liking that name. Oxenholme, a home for oxen?

I liked to think that the train would pull in and I would look up and see lots of oxen milling about, that would be fabulous. I love animals.

When I got there, there weren’t any oxen, but you could tell we were approaching the countryside.

I got on the train for Windermere. My heart was bouncing out a catchy rhythm. I felt my fingers tingle with excitement, tinged with fear.

I had come a long way. A year ago, there is no way I would have got on a train by myself, look at me now!

I arrived at Windermere and found a taxi. It was all going smoothly. I gave the taxi driver the address and climbed in the back. A few minutes later I pulled up at a small cottage. I thanked the driver, paid him and walked through the gate to the door. As I knocked on the door I could feel blood pumping round my body. I thought I would explode.

A woman answered the door. She stared at me and asked me what I wanted. She didn’t look all that friendly. I stuttered a bit, trying to get the words out.

In the end I was able to ask if Jim was there. Jim is my Dad.

I thought I could smell alcohol as she stood there standing at the door breathing all over me.

“Who’s asking?” she demanded.

“His daughter.” I replied.

She stared at me a bit longer and then went into the house closing the door behind her. I stood on the step not knowing what to do.

I felt clumsy, shy and awkward. That is pretty much how I always feel though, so you would think I would be used to feeling that way by now.

Anyway, a moment later, the door opened again, and this time Dad was standing there!

He reached out to give me a fist-bump like we always used to, but it went horribly wrong and he ended up wobbling and almost falling over. I realised right then, that he was drunk.

I just stood there not knowing what to say as the woman reappeared and led Dad back into the house. She was in a better state than Dad, but I am certain that she had been drinking too.

“You had better come in too.” She added over her shoulder as she half dragged Dad back into the house. I followed her into the cottage. It was dark and smelly.

The woman half pushed Dad into a chair. She sat on the sofa nearby and pointed to another chair. I think she wanted me to sit on it, but it was filthy. I remained standing.

The woman spoke.

“I am Susan. I didn’t know Jim had a kid.”

“He has two.” I replied.

At this, Susan turned to Jim, probably for some sort of explanation, but Jim was asleep.

I didn’t know what to do but I knew I couldn’t just stay sitting in that dismal room. I got up and told Susan I was going for a walk. I told her I would come back later when Dad was awake.

The woman nodded. I think she was glad to see the back of me.

I got up and left the cottage, closing the front door behind me.

There I was in a beautiful but strange place waiting for my drunken Dad to sober up. I could feel those old familiar tears start to burn in my eyes and pour down my face. I walked away from the cottage. I went and sat on a low wall. I had to speak to James. I switched on my phone and saw all the missed calls.

James had left me a message. It read, ‘Are you OK? Pasalaqua is a funeral home in Rodeo, California…but I know you know that too. That’s why I am worried.’

I felt bad when I saw that message. I did know it was a funeral home, but I meant the bit about running away, nothing more sinister than that.

I phoned James and when I heard his voice I knew everything was going to work out.

He asked me where I was, and I told him everything. I could hardly find the words to let him know how I felt seeing Dad in that state but there was something about James. He was such a good listener and he really wanted to help me.

Somehow, I found the words.

“Right, stay where you are, I am coming to find you.” James announced.

I tried to stop him. I pointed out the cost and everything but James ignored all that and repeated that I was to stay where I was and wait for him and so I did.

James arrived a couple of hours later in another taxi.

He rushed up to me and I felt time stand still. Standing there with James, his arms wrapped round me. A wonderful snapshot in time.

James asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I wanted to go and see Dad. James insisted on coming with me. He knocked on the door and this time it was Dad who answered. He had sobered up a bit but looked very tired and shocked to see me standing there.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

He held out his hand for a fist-bump and he was more successful this time.

“Don’t you remember Dad, I was here a couple of hours ago?”

Dad looked bewildered.

Susan approached.

“Oh, it’s you.” She announced, looking at me.

Dad was a bit annoyed with Susan. He wanted to know why she hadn’t told him that I was there. Susan responded by saying that she had decided to let him sleep it off. She added that he hadn’t even told her that he had a daughter.

Dad looked annoyed, but he changed the subject. He asked me what I was doing there and who the boy was.

I introduced James as my friend and Dad shook his hand.

I then told Dad about Aidan and how awful he was. I told him that Mum had no interest in me any more and that I wanted to live with him.

Susan looked horrified at that.

Dad looked sad when he heard what I had to say, but he made it clear that I couldn’t stay with him.

“As you can see, I have let myself go. This is no place for a child, you are much better off with your Mum.” He explained.

Susan looked relieved at this. She didn’t seem bothered that he had insulted her cottage. I think she was glad that I wouldn’t be there cramping their style.

I felt numb. I couldn’t reply.

I lost the power of speech.

James dragged me to my feet and told Dad that he would look after me.

Dad gave me another fist-bump before sending me on my way.

James ordered another taxi and we sat on the now familiar wall waiting for it to arrive.

I made clear to James that I could not come home.

James didn’t argue.

“I have somewhere for you to stay tonight.” He told me.

He explained that he couldn’t risk having me at his as his parents. They would get into trouble for ‘harbouring a runaway’ if anyone came looking for me but his brother Stephen had agreed to let me stay in his flat. He was going to London to celebrate his boyfriend’s birthday, so the flat would be free. James explained that he would be staying there with me too.

He had told his parents where he would be, so they didn’t need to worry. He also explained that he was staying with me.

James told me to send a message to Mum to let me know that I was staying over at a friend’s house, and that I would be back the next day. After I did that, I switched my phone off, so nobody could disturb me.

I felt relief.

James had taken charge of the situation just at the point I had started to shut down.

I don’t think I could have got back on another train without him. I sat glued to his side the whole journey. We didn’t speak, we just held hands, Somehow, James gets me. He knows what I need and when.

Every so often I reached up to feel the beautiful Malachite pendant around my neck. That helped me to feel safe too.

Stephen’s flat is in Leeds. It is small but cosy. We let ourselves in once James found the key which had been hidden under a flowerpot.

We sat in the lounge for a bit and then, James ordered takeaway Pizza.

I love Margherita Pizza best. I love all cheese, and with a Margherita, you can really taste the cheesy flavour. You know what my favourite cheese is though, don’t you? James ordered Margherita without even asking me what I wanted. Is he psychic? I wondered.

Anyway, once we had eaten I started to cheer up a bit. The flat was lovely. James was not putting any pressure on me to say or do anything and so I was able to just sit there staring into space, thinking nothing.

I have no idea how long we sat there. I drifted off to sleep once or twice.

A while later, I felt better.

I started to look for music on Stephen’s laptop that was on the coffee table in front of me.

I played Road To Acceptance by GD.

‘I always waste my time just wondering what the next man thinks of me. I’ll never do exactly what I want, and I’ll sculpt my life for your acceptance.’

James looked directly at me. “Don’t change for anyone.” He said.

Perfect answer, I thought.

I told James that I couldn’t face the thought of exams at school or going back home to that numb-skull Aidan.

James told me not to think about it for a while. I needed to rest and relax.

He was right, as usual.

He told me it would be good for me to get some sleep. Things often seem better in the morning.

I think he was right. I opened my rucksack and found my night shirt.

James showed me where Stephen and Jake’s room was. There was a double bed in the middle of the room.

“Would you like me to get in with you, or would you prefer me to sleep on the sofa-bed?” Jim asked.

I told him I didn’t want to be on my own. Once I had got dressed in my night-shirt and got into bed, James joined me wearing a tee-shirt and boxers. He held me tightly as I drifted off to sleep.

I can’t remember waking up at all in the night.

In the morning, James made us both coffees and we drank them in bed.

I felt much better.

James asked me what I wanted to do today. I realised that I wanted to be outside. We got dressed and when the corner-shop opened, we bought things for a picnic in the park.

We took our picnic to the local park and sat on a bench under a big Oak tree.

I watched the ducks floating around on the lake.

“It is beautiful here.” I said.

James nodded.

I kissed him then. Once I started, I didn’t want to stop. We kissed for ages. I felt like I was melting. I was turning into a big squidgy ice-cream cone.

We did eventually stop kissing and then we ate our picnic. At that moment I felt like part of a normal couple, doing what normal couples do on a Sunday in the sunshine.

Almost as soon as I thought that thought a nasty little voice in my head reminded me that my situation is far from normal.

I told James. “What is wrong with me? Things get good for a moment and then my brain drags me right back down again.”

In typical James style, he smiled and started singing.

He sang GD’s Armatage Shanks.

“I must insist on being a pessimist.

I am a loner in a catastrophic mind.”

I realised that James was teasing me but in such a gentle way I could see the funny side and I smiled.

He told me I look beautiful when I smile. I told him that he needs to get his eyes tested.

We decided to go back to the flat for a bit and then James offered to take me back home. I knew I had to face my family some time and I couldn’t begin to contemplate that without James by my side.

By the time we got back to the flat Stephen and Rob were there. I really liked them.

I thanked them for letting me use their flat and they told me I was welcome any time. Before I left Rob took me to one side and told me that he completely understood what I was going through. His Step-Dad had been awful. It wasn’t until he met Stephen that his life became bearable.

I let Stephen and Rob hug me when I left. That is very unusual. I cannot usually tolerate strangers hugging me.

We caught the train back to my village.  I felt steadily sicker, the closer we got to Aidan’s house.

James held my hand and I let myself into to house.

Once we stepped into the lounge, all hell broke loose!

Part 5: Another State Of Mind (GD)

Aidan leapt up and went to hit James. Mum stepped in the way. I started screaming. Emily stepped into the room to see what all the fuss was about and when she saw what was going on, she started screaming too.

Mum managed to move Aidan into the kitchen where he was ranting and raving. The noise must have been deafening because someone called the police. They arrived, sirens blazing.

Their arrival seemed to really agitate Mum. She said something about them not being interested when she phoned to let them know that her daughter was missing but they were happy enough to spring into action the minute a neighbour called for their assistance.

The female police officer asked me and James to go upstairs with her. Her male colleague stayed downstairs with Mum and Aidan. I didn’t envy him. They were both livid. Emily was sent to her room and she shot past us like a startled rabbit.

I was shaking as I walked up the stairs. James was remarkably calm.

Once we were in my room James and I sat on the bed while the police woman sat on my one and only chair. She must have been good at her job as she managed to get me talking. I found myself telling her how much I hated being here and how sad I had been to discover that Dad is no longer there for me either.

I felt sorry for myself but managed to hold back the tears. James sat quietly and squeezed my hand.

The police woman asked me where I had gone after visiting Dad. James spoke then. He explained that we had been staying at his brother’s flat and he gave her the address.

She asked for James’s address too and asked if his parents were aware of where he was. James was very honest and told her all she needed to know.

The police officer asked James if he could step out onto the landing so that she could talk to me in private. I didn’t want him to go but I didn’t think it wise to argue. Once he had left the room, she closed the door and then whispered to me, “Have you been careful?”

I had no idea what she was talking about, so she had to explain that she wanted to know if James and I had unprotected sex. I was too horrified to reply. All I could do was shake my head.

She seemed satisfied with this response and called James back into the room.

She asked me if there was any relative I could stay with for a while.

I shook my head, ‘No.’

After what seemed like a lifetime, I found my voice.

“I want to stay with James.” I said.

My voice came out all wobbly, but my reply was clear enough.

She replied that this may be a possibility, but she needed to check with 'Safeguarding', whoever they were. She left James with me and went downstairs. I could hear the front door open and shut. I guessed that she had gone out to the car. I bet she was making calls.

James phoned his parents and explained what was going on. He asked if I could stay with them for a while.

His parents agreed that if the police and my Mum were happy with this arrangement, I could stay for a few days.

I won’t bore you with all the sordid details. There were lots of arguments. Aidan kept calming down and then getting angry again. Mum spent the whole time trying to keep him calm. Emily stayed in her room and I sat with James in our familiar silence.

After what seemed like an eternity, the male police officer came up to see us this time. He explained that it had been cleared for me to spend a few days at James’s so that things could calm down and we were going to be assigned a Social Worker and that my appointment with The Stranger had been brought forward to tomorrow!

All that information took me ages to process.

I didn’t take everything in. Luckily James was there to absorb everything for me and to let me know what was happening when I was ready to receive that information.

It was very awkward going back downstairs.

Mum did try to approach me, but I blanked her. Aidan stayed in the kitchen. Luckily, I had my rucksack filled with clothes, so I didn’t have to stay there any longer.

The police took us round to James’s house. When we arrived Luke and Lily hugged us both and I let them!

It turns out that despite their alternative appearance, Luke and Lily had fostered some children in the past and so the police were happy to let me stay with them for now.

The police stayed for a cup of tea and then left.

James cuddled me on the sofa. I started to relax.

When I was ready to absorb the information, James filled me in on what was happening.

I was going to miss school tomorrow so that I could meet my social worker and The Stranger had agreed to a home visit. She was going to come around, in the afternoon. It had been agreed that James could miss school too but when the social worker and The Stranger arrived, he had to go to his room, so they could see me on their own.

I was to sleep in the spare room but the rest of the time I was able to be with James.

That seemed fair enough.

I was worried about my meetings, but everything else was good. It felt lovely spending time with such kind and friendly people. Lily made her famous Haloumi skewers again for dinner, especially for me. Dinner was served very late. I didn’t care. I felt this funny sensation in the pit of my stomach. I had to smile when I realised what the feeling was. The feeling was happiness.

After dinner I went up to bed. James gave me a kiss goodnight and then went to his room. Lily had left some flowers in my room as a welcome gift. That was so sweet of her. I looked at them for a while before turning off the light. I lay in the dark for ages trying to get to sleep. I find it very hard to sleep in unfamiliar places, and so I just lay there tossing and turning.

It was no good. I couldn’t sleep there without James. I needed sleep to stand any chance of functioning the next day and so I got up and quietly crept into James’s room. I let myself in and the door did squeak a little, but not too much.

It turns out James wasn’t asleep either. He sat up and lifted his duvet to let me get into his bed.

He held me, and I was able to go straight to sleep then.

The next thing I knew, James was planting tiny kisses on my face to wake me up. He told me I had better go back to my room before anyone woke up. I realised that he was right. I sneaked back into my room and admired the lovely flowers once again.

A little later, Lily knocked on the door to let me know it was time to get up.

She cooked scrambled egg on toast for breakfast. I wasn’t very hungry as I felt so nervous. I knew my social worker would be calling soon.

My social worker was called Megan. She was quite nice actually. I was able to give short answers to most of her questions which was good for me considering I was on my own with her.

She seemed happy enough with my responses and said she would phone me in a couple of days to see how I was getting on.

The Stranger arrived at about 2pm. I was restless right up until her visit as I was dreading it so much.

The Stranger does have a name. She is Lucy Thompson. She was quite friendly. She told me that she would like to start an assessment to see if she could help me with my anxiety. I wasn’t sure what that would involve but I couldn’t face asking at that moment. She kept the meeting quite short and explained that next week I would be visiting The Assessment Centre. I was able to tell her that sometimes I don’t really know who I am. I don’t feel like other people. I don’t think like them. She looked interested in what I was saying and wrote everything down before leaving.

Once Lucy Thompson had gone, Lily was able to reclaim her lounge. Luke was at work.

I went back up to James’s room. We had a cuddle on the bed and then I felt calm enough to tell him what my meetings were like.

I started to sing, GD’s The Judge’s Daughter.

I find it hard to be myself…

(James joined in with, ‘Can you please explain?’)

 I smiled at him and then shook my head. He knows words don’t come easily to me.

We were on a roll then. I sang Basket Case by GD while James strummed along on the guitar.

‘Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

It all keeps adding up, I think I’m cracking up….’

I think those lyrics about sum me up but then we sang ‘She’ by GD to round off our ‘Singathon.’

‘She screams in silence, a sullen riot penetrating through her mind, waiting for a sign.’

I have never felt so understood by another human being before. James is incredible.

I did worry that my wanting to take things slowly might put him off. Many people my age are at ‘it’ like rabbits within moments of meeting someone they like, but not me. James didn’t put any pressure on me. He is kind and understanding and lovely but surely, he won’t want to wait for ever. If I like him as much as I say I do, then I should be willing to ‘do it’ with him.

The truth is I have trust issues. I freeze whenever I think someone might hurt me and I think pretty much anyone, and everyone could hurt me.

I felt too embarrassed and awkward to bring the subject up with James.

Psychic James came to the rescue once again. He sat me down on his bed that evening and said that he had something to give me. He had been waiting for it to arrive and it arrived that morning. He handed me a book. It was called ‘A Collective Of Love Poems by Joseph Bishop-Green.

There was a bookmark in the book. I opened the pages and got to the poem that had been printed on that particular page. It was called: My Lover Friend.

It was beautiful. I read the poem and right then I knew that James was happy to wait for me, to go at my pace. He loved me but knew I wasn’t ready to hear the words yet, wasn’t ready to let go.

Let me read out the first few lines so you can see just how perfect that poem was for me at that moment:

“For now we will be friends, not lovers.

That will come later, perhaps in the fall….”

I cried, but those tears were happy tears. I am sure James knew the difference.

Part 6: Homecoming (GD)

This story is long and winding. I won’t bore you with a blow by blow account of what happened next but I will provide you with a summary.

I moved in with James’s family in May. James helped me to revise and I was able to go into school to take my GCSE’s. It turned out that Lucy Thompson was good at her job. She met me a few times. She introduced me to other people and I had to do a lot of talking. It was very hard on someone like me who hates too much talking, especially about feelings. Lucy explained that I was highly anxious and offered me medication. I refused it as I hate taking any drugs. Drugs dull my brain and while I may have a crazy brain, it is my brain and I don’t want to slow it down.

Lucy Thompson seemed Ok with that. It turns out Lily is a yoga teacher and she agreed to teach me Yoga, meditation and Mindfulness. I agreed to give them a try as I liked Lily and I knew she was happy to help. Lucy also negotiated with the school and agreed I could stay at James’s house and only go into school for my exams. James did have to go into school and I really missed him when he wasn’t home but Lily kept me company and started teaching me all sorts of lovely relaxation techniques to help me cope with the exams. I have to admit these techniques must have worked as I was able to go in and sit all the exams.

My Social Worker arranged to come with me to visit Mum. She made sure Aidan was out when the visit was planned. She knew me well enough to know that there was no way I would set foot in that place with him there.

The visit was short and tense but at least it was over with.

Mum didn’t really know what to say to me. It was clear she was relieved I had gone as now she could enjoy a nice normal family life with Emily and Aidan.

I was so happy when the exams were over. I felt a lot of pressure lifting from my shoulders.

I still had to attend assessments and see my social worker, but I didn’t really mind. They kept discussing my communication problems, my anxiety, my routines and the sensory overload I experience. They said it was early days, but they were investigating the possibility that I may have some kind of communication difficulty.

One day Lily sat down next to me on the sofa. She had a book in her hand. She handed it to me.

It was called 'Aspergirls' by someone called Rudy Simone.

Lily handed it to me and said that while many professionals no longer used the term Aspergers, she felt that this book might be helpful to me. She was at pains to say that she is not a doctor or able to diagnose anything but she had been talking about some of my difficulties to her Psychiatrist friend Ruby and she had suggested that Lily read this book.

She had read it first and then felt strongly that I should read it too.

As soon as I started reading that book, I was hooked. It is a book all about empowering females who have Aspergers Syndrome. I felt as if the book had been written just for me.

I gulped the content of that book down in one go. I didn’t leave the sofa until I had read it all.

As soon as James got home I thrust the book under his nose and demanded that he read it too.

James stayed up late into the night reading that book while I sat curled on the bed watching him read.

Once he had finished reading he put the book down and looked at me.

“That could have been written for us.” He responded.

I loved him more than ever right then. With that reply he communicated a clear message to me. He agreed that I probably have Asperger’s and he wanted to learn more so that he could understand me better.

I am going to fast forward in time now. In fact, I am going to jump about in time a bit.

I did end up with a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I found it reassuring. I was finally able to start making sense of some of my habits and difficulties. I discovered that it is hard to diagnose women as we are apparently good at ‘Social Masking.’ This is when an individual conceals their personality to conform to societies expectations. I don’t think I am much good at Social Masking though, which is why my diagnosis seemed to come through quite quickly.

I never did go back to live with Mum and Aidan. My relationship with Mum did improve a bit. We were able to manage the odd meet up in a coffee shop if James was there. I found coffee shops too stressful on my own and Mum hated being outside, which it where I prefer to be. I sometimes met up with Emily too, but we didn't have much in common.

I left school after finishing my exams and I stayed at James’s house.

When the exam results came through, they were surprisingly good for me and predictably brilliant for James.

I ended up staying with James and his family until I turned 18. After that, I moved to Stephen and Rob’s house, but I am going to tell you more about that in the next part of my story.

Part 7:   In The End     (GD)

I guess the title of this part is a bit of a spoiler, we are coming to the end of this particular part of my story and I am allowing it to have a happy ending.

I did have lots of ups and downs.

I am playing Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) GD as I write this.

‘Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don’t ask why…’

That seems fitting to me.

Time passed. James was there, by my side, helping me through.

I can’t pretend it was easy but there did come a turning point the day James arranged for us to go and stay at Stephen’s flat. This time Stephen and Rob were going to be there.

James didn’t tell me that they had planned a dinner party in my honour. If he had told me that I would never have gone.

We arrived, and Stephen let me in. I had met him and Rob a few times, but as soon as I got there, things felt different.

Stephen did the cooking and asked James to help him. That left me with Rob. We sat together awkwardly on the sofa. Well, I was awkward, but I did sense Rob felt uncomfortable too.

After a while Rob started talking. He started telling me about his childhood and how unhappy he had been. He said that he had been born a girl.

I was shocked, and I did not know what to say. It turns out that I didn’t have to say anything, Rob was doing the talking. Rob had been born Rachel. Even from an early age Rachel had felt that something was wrong. She tried explaining to her parents that she was really meant to be a boy. They didn’t believe her. She refused to wear dresses and insisted on having her hair very short. She dressed like a boy.

Rob picked up some photo’s and passed them to me. Looking through them, I could see him as a little toddler dressed as a girl with a ribbon in her hair. Two years later her hair was short, and she was wearing trousers.

As Rachel got older she announced that she was a boy and was to be addressed as Rob. Her parents tried ignoring this request at first but they eventually got used to calling Rachel, Rob. They always used the pronoun 'She' when talking about Rob though. They never really accepted him.

Rob was picked on and bullied at school. He hated it as much as I did. When he was 16 he went to the doctors and told them bluntly that he wanted to have Gender Reassignment Surgery. This meant that he wanted to surgically be changed from a girl to a boy.

This took time to sink in. I looked at Rob and thought how male he looked. You would never guess that he had ever been a girl. Rob explained about the surgeries he had and the hormones he had to take.

I respected Rob enormously for telling me his story.

At that moment James and Stephen served dinner and we all sat at the table.

Conversation turned to me and what I wanted to do next. Rob told me that it was my night, but he had decided to let me know his story, so I would know I was amongst friends. I was so grateful to him for doing this and I was in full admiration for the way Stephen had supported and loved him ever since they met. Stephen and James are very special. There are very few people as good as them in the world.

I told them this, but James replied by saying, ‘There are far more good people than bad, love.’

Stephen asked me what I wanted to do with my life.

As my exams had gone well I realised that I could go to College if I wanted to.

I realised that I did want to go to College. I told the this. James offered to help me to make a last-minute application to the College he would be attending, that way he could help me through.

I found making this decision both scary and exciting.

Stephen cracked open a bottle of Champagne to celebrate.

I felt that unfamiliar fizzy sensation on my tongue as I sipped my glass and I realised the matching tingle in my tummy meant I was feeling happy.

That night was the first of many nights spent with Rob and Stephen. I loved spending time with them. They were always so upbeat and interesting. Stephen was a Youth Worker and Rob was a Graphic Designer so there was always something interesting to talk about.

James and I went from strength to strength. He took things at my pace and whenever I felt ready for the next stage of our relationship, he was able to follow my lead. I won’t go into too many details here as I am a very private person. I can’t bring myself to discuss the physical side of our relationship but all I will say is everything went well.

I even reached the stage when James was able to say, ‘I love you.’ Without me cringing.

Time flew by and I coped remarkably well with College. I studied Psychology and James studied Creative Arts. It took a while to get used to the other students and it felt weird going into my first class, but I did it. The other students were quite friendly, and I was able to meet James for coffee in the canteen later. We ordered take-outs, so we could drink our coffees outside. As you know, I am not fond of cafes.

I did make some friends but that took time.

One of the things I enjoyed most was spending time with James, Rob and Stephen. They helped me so much as I gradually came to terms with my diagnosis.

I learnt that The Internet is a wonderful tool with some amazing forums and different forms of help available but there are also forums that cause more harm than good with people who have their own agendas and questionable motives dragging people into a murky world of self-harm and misery.

Rob told me at a very early stage that if I came across a forum and I felt uncomfortable about what people were saying I could immediately remove myself from that site. He also reminded me to keep my identity and location secret, so anyone who wished me harm would be unable to trace me.

This was very good advice.

Stephen knew a lot of people who had struggled with various aspects of their identity. He knew how important it is to support people through this by listening and letting them know they are not alone.

I realised that when I left College I wanted to study Counselling or Coaching so that I could support people going through some of the difficulties that I have experienced.

We had such brilliant discussions at Stephen and Robs. I loved being there. I enjoyed meeting their friends and over time, I invited friends I met from College round there too.

I sat my exams the Spring before I turned 18. I hoped I had done well and I was eager to go to University. I wanted to go to Leeds Beckett University to study Counselling and Mental Health. James wanted to go there to study Performing Arts.

Stephen told me that he and Rob would be willing for James and me to live with them if we got accepted there.

I was so excited when I heard this. It made me want to get into University more than ever.

My interview went well. I was so nervous, but James travelled with me and waited in the coffee shop. I was shaking as I went in, but I had come so far from the awkward girl I used to be. I was a bit quiet at first but the person conducting the interview was calm and approachable, so I found myself starting to warm up fairly quickly.

I was happy when the interview was over and then I had a tense three week wait for the decision. When my acceptance letter arrived, I was delighted. James got onto his course too, so it was time to celebrate.

Stephen and Rob clubbed together and bought James and I tickets to see Green Day at The Emirates Stadium! I was petrified and excited at the same time.

Lily and Luke paid for us to stay overnight in a Travelodge. They also paid for our train tickets.

We travelled down on the Friday before and stayed overnight in Travelodge. We left our stuff there and spent the day exploring London. We spent most of it in a park as James knew that I can easily become overstimulated in crowds and I wanted to keep things as calm as possible.

I felt really nervous when we arrived at the stadium. I clung onto James when we went in.

'The Kaiser Chiefs' and 'All Time Low' also played. They were great, but my favourites were Green Day.

They made all the fear of being in a crowd worth all the effort. I clung onto James for the first few songs but then I felt relaxed enough to let go and we started dancing about with the rest of the crowd.

Back at Travelodge that night I was euphoric. That had to be the best night of my life!

Like I said, this story has a happy ending, and this would be a perfect place to stop but I am not stopping here.

One of the reasons I decided to write my story was so that I might be able to help others to find themselves.

James and I moved into Stephen and Rob’s and we started University. We made new friends, but we remained as close as ever. We started inviting our friends back to the flat and we ended up talking long into the night, putting the world to rights. Rob became an enormous support to the Trans Community by writing an uplifting blog and I was inspired to write my own blog to help women who have autism.

Our lives were vibrant, creative and full.

James bought a copy of Rudy Simone’s ‘22 Things A Woman With Asperger Syndrome Wants Her Partner To Know.’

 He found it very helpful as it provided insights into the way I see things and it helped him to not take things personally when I have a low moment. Every now and then I do get overwhelmed to the point I want to hit a wall or something, but those moments are few.

I am getting better at talking about my feelings and allowing other people to express their too.

I graduated from University and began a coaching course. I have just started my career as a Coach to people who have autism.

James and I ended up staying with Rob and Stephen. We all got on so well and we were able to share the cost of living.

It was a big shock when shortly a few weeks ago when I realised that I was pregnant. I don’t really know how that happened as I am usually so careful. I was terrified when I found out. James looked a bit shocked too. Stephen was very encouraging and supportive. He said that we could stay at the flat and that he and Rob would be happy to babysit when the baby was born.

No doubt, having a baby will bring a whole new chapter to this story, but I think I will stop writing for the time now.

I hope you have enjoyed reading about my life and how I was finally able to accept myself as I am.

By the way. I am excited about this baby. He or she is lucky to have James as their Dad and I promise that I will do my best. Whether they are a boy or a girl, you can rest assured that their name will be Bille!

Note From The Author~

I hope you enjoyed reading this book. I would value any feedback. There is a comments section at the bottom of the blog. Please feel free to read the other books I have published here. You are welcome to share them with anyone that might be interested.

Cathy (May 2018)