Cloud Thought 28~ Animal Brexit The Musical~ Boris's Midsummer Night's Dream! By Cathy Shuter

Please feel free to share with anyone who might be entertained by it x

Animal Brexit….Boris’s Midsummer Night’s Dream

A Finger Puppet Production By Cathy Shuter

Setting:

BK or Brown Kingdom - an animal land similar to our UK

EU or Emerald Union- an animal union similar to our EU

 Sage Land- A land similar to Germany

Shamrock- A land similar to The Republic of Ireland

Northern Shamrock- A land similar to Northern Ireland

Cast:

Narrator

Boris Cavey ~  an ambitious, excitable and plump blond haired guinea pig

Cameron Pig ~ The previous BK Prime Minister

Theresa Corn Snake ~ Another BK Prime Minister

Nigel Frog ~ Leader of BKIP (Brown Kingdom Independence Party)

 Angela Merkowl ~ Chancellor of Sage Land

Peter Wild Dog ~ The dog who first coined the term Brexit

Ed Duck ~ Previous leader of BK’s Red Party

Jeremy Dormouse ~ Current leader of BK’s Red Party

Michael Weasel ~ Brexit Campaigner

Michel Barn Owl ~ EU Chief Negotiator

Reece Stoat ~ Chair Of Emerald Research Group (ERG)

John Peacock ~ Mr. Speaker

Jean Claude Squirrel ~ EU President

Jeremy Adder ~ Aspiring PM

Mr. Tusk ~ Elephant President of EU Council

Pip Pig ~ A little guinea pig, Boris’s pal

Scene one:

Narrator enters the stage:

Narrator: The Emerald Union or EU is a political and economic union of 28 countries that trade with each other and allow free movement of animals. The BK joined in 1973.

Here we see Boris Cavey an energetic young Guinea pig. He is getting ready for bed…

(Boris cleans his teeth, puts on stripy pyjamas, yawns and gets into bed. The lights go down as we hear snores as he settles down for the night.)

Narrator: Boris lives with his family in Brown Kingdom. It is a small island set in the middle of a huge lake.

Scene Two:

The spotlight falls upon an older Boris Cavey. He gets up, brushes his teeth and rushes off stage.

 Boris enters the stage on a zip wire. He has an Olympic flag in each hand.

Narrator: Boris Cavey is now the Lord Mayor of BK.

Boris: This is great fun but it needs to go faster!

He gets stuck.

We hear laughter in the background.

Scene 3:

Narrator: Far away on the other side of the lake are the other lands that make up the EU.

Sage Land has a chancellor called Angela Merkowl. She is a dedicated Tawny Owl determined to keep the EU stable.

Angela: I believe us animals are much stronger when we cooperate with one another. Stability is so important for the EU you know.

Narrator: There always had been some differences between EU and BK.

The BK trade in Plums or P while the rest of the EU trade in Gems or G, for example.

Despite this, since joining EU, roughly 50% of the BK were quite happy with the arrangement but significantly the other 50% of the land were not.

Those that were reasonably happy agreed that some alterations were needed but felt it best to work with the other members and try and make some positive reforms.

The rest were getting pretty angry to be honest. They felt that lots of animals made their way to Brown Kingdom and took advantage of their good nature. They demanded change.

Crowd: We want out! We want out!

Scene 4:

Peter Wild Dog can be seen writing in his study.

Narrator: In May 2012 Peter Wild Dog wrote an article. He was predicting that BK might leave EU and he coined the term Brexit (Brown Exit)

In BK there were two main groups of animals. They had parties that made decisions on behalf of the rest of the animals.

In 2015 there was an election and the leader of the Red Party, Ed Duck resigned.

We see Ed walking sadly from one side of the stage to the other and Jeremy walks to the centre of the stage.

 Narrator: Jeremy Dormouse took Ed’s place. Jeremy liked going to music festivals and gave rousing speeches. Lots of younger animals thought he was great.

In the background we can hear chanting.

Crowd: Wooah Jeremy Dormouse, Woah Jeremy Dormouse!

Narrator: Jeremy also spent a lot of time in his allotment growing food. Jeremy didn’t really like EU but he was eager to ensure that if BK ever left EU it would stay friends with them.

Scene 5:

Narrator:  Anyway as you may or may not know, Cameron Pig was the Prime Minister of BK. He decided to hold a referendum. He was pretty certain the inhabitants of BK would decide to stay in EU after all.

Cameron Pig: On Thurs 23^rd June 2016 I have decided to hold a public vote. You fine animals get to decide, should BK leave or remain in EU?

Cheering and booing can be heard in equal measure.

Michael Weasel enters the stage.

Michael Weasel: Vote Leave, Take Control!

More cheering and booing

A red bus enters the stage. A group of animals can be seen boarding the bus. It drives around and we can see a sign on the bus.

Narrator: Can you see that sign? It states that if we leave EU we can save P350 billion to help fund our NHS (National Hedgerow Service.)

 The NHS is a very important and much loved part of BK. Any sick animal can come to The Hedgerows to receive the treatment they need. The NHS was desperately short of plums and most animals were eager to see this remedied as soon as possible.

Leave Campaigners sing:

The Sign On the Bus: (To the tune of The Wheels On The Bus)

If we leave EU we’ll have more plums

Have more plums

Have more plums

If we leave EU we’ll have more plums

We’ll vote Leave!

Scene 6:

Narrator: Another animal very keen to see the back of the EU was Nigel Frog. Nigel Frog created BKIP, The Brown Kingdom Independence Party. He had quite a few fans.

He didn’t really believe that BK would actually leave EU.

The day of the referendum arrived.

We see animals queuing up to cast their vote in polling stations set up in ditches and forest glades.

We hear a fanfare of trumpets.

Narrator: Nigel Frog was being interviewed by a journalist.

Nigel Frog: It’s a real shame….we came so close but the Remain side just pipped us at the post….

Enter another frog. He hops up to Nigel and whispers something…

Nigel: Good grief, really Oh Er….It turns out that we won!

Stunned Nigel Frog hops off the stage.

We hear booing and cheering in roughly equal measure.

Narrator: I can announce that the Leave side won by nearly 52% to 48%. That’s 17.4m votes to 16.1m votes.

Scene 7:

Cameron Pig enters the stage.

Cameron Pig: Well everyone, you have voted and while I respect your decision I don’t want the job of PM any more. I am resigning. I may go on holiday, it’s been quite a stressful year…’bye everyone and good luck.

He trots off the stage.

Enter a group of animals. Among them are Michael Stoat and Boris Cavey.

Boris: I want the job as PM

Michael: Well I want it.

Boris: Other animals think I am fun. I am better for the job.

Michael: No you are not. I wouldn’t trust you as far as I can throw you.

Enter Theresa Corn-Snake

Theresa: Neither of you are suitable for the job so I will do it. Boris I will give you a job where you get to travel and make people laugh all over the world.

Boris: Oh OK.

Theresa:… and Michael you can look after the Animal Justice Department, OK?

Michael: Oh, OK….

Michael and Boris shuffle off looking sad.

Scene 8:

Narrator: Theresa was very happy with her new job as Prime Minister. To celebrate, she took the day off and slithered through a corn field. The partying had to stop eventually though and so she spent the evening planning her next move.

Theresa enters the stage.

Theresa sings to the tune of London’s Burning

Brown has Voted:

Brown has voted

Brown has voted

We must exit

We must exit

Join Me

Join Me

Strong and Stable!

 Strong and Stable!

Scene 9:

Theresa: Let’s have a General Election so I can finally get that annoying Dormouse out of my hair.

Narrator: It came to pass that BK held what was termed a ‘snap’ general election. Theresa really thought her party would win but they ended up with what is known as a hung parliament with no animal party having quite enough votes to form a government. Theresa had to pay a large sack of plums to another party so that they agreed to help her to form a government.

Theresa enters the stage and sadly sings: To the tune of ‘I Hear Thunder.’

Strong and Stable

Strong and Stable

That is me

That is me

Brexit does mean Brexit

Brexit does mean Brexit

Hip Hooray.

In the background we hear half-hearted cheers.

Narrator: Theresa Corn Snake arranged for a team of animals to negotiate what she called a divorce deal with the EU. She was pretty pleased with what they agreed.

The much anticipated ‘Exit’ was due to take place on 29^th March 2019

Discussions with EU were about the ‘divorce deal’ which aimed to set out how BK would leave but not what would happen afterwards. This deal was known as The Withdrawal Agreement.

Michel Barn Owl was the EU’s chief negotiator. 

The BK would have to pay around P39 billion to leave EU.

The agreement aimed to set out what would happen to EU citizens in BK and BK citizens in EU.

All the animals were eager to avoid the return of a physical border between Northern Shamrock and The Republic of Shamrock when it became the frontier between BK and EU.

In the past they had erected a large hedge and this led to all kinds of problems that they were anxious not to repeat.

Their plans included a transition period which would allow BK and EU to agree a trade deal and give animal business time to adjust so if and when the agreement went ahead there would be no major changes until December 2020

The team drew up a short Political Declaration serving as an overview of the BK/ EU future relationship. This was a guide and not an obligation.

Scene 10:

Narrator: Theresa Corn-Snake was delighted with her deal. She arranged for the MP’s to vote on it.

Theresa sings.

‘Vote Aye’ to the tune of ‘Row Row Row Your Boat.’

We have got a deal

It is really cool

If you won’t accept this deal

Then you are a fool!

Narrator: John Peacock known as ‘The Speaker’ told all the animals in parliament they needed to vote on whether to accept or reject Theresa Corn-Snake’s deal.

The animals are gathered round to vote we hear John Peacock shouting over the animals who are muttering to themselves.

John Peacoak: The question is er….as many as are of the opinion say aye….

Some animals shout ‘Aye.’

John Peacock: Of the contrary, No.

Some animals shout ‘No.’

John Peacock shrieks: Division! Clear the lobbies!

There is a pause:

John Peacock: Lock the doors!

There is more mumbling and a pause.

John Peacock shrieks: Unlock!

Drumroll

Narrator: Theresa’s Withdrawal Agreement was rejected in parliament 3 times!

Jean Claude Squirrel was the EU president. He looked sad when he heard the news that Theresa Corn Snake had been defeated so many times.

Jean Claude: The risk of a disorderly withdrawal of the Brown Kingdom has increased.

Narrator: Theresa Corn-Snake felt really fed up.

Theresa sings to the tune of Row Your Boat:

I’ve done all I can for you to back my plan

So now I quit I did my best

You fix it if you can!

As she sings she points at a group of MPs including Boris Cavey and Jeremy Adder.

Narrator: Theresa Corn-Snake tearfully resigned.

We see Theresa exiting the stage dabbing her eye with a hankie.

Scene 11:

 Boris Cavey: Now is my chance to be Prime Minister!

Jeremy Adder: I wouldn’t mind having a punt myself.

 Michael Stoat: Go on then, I might as well have a go.

Narrator: Quite a few animals put themselves forward for the role.

As they set out what they would do to sort out the Brexit situation there was much talk of The Backstop.

The Backstop was an attempt to resolve the border conflict. If approved, Northern Shamrock would follow some EU rules on some things such as food products. This agreement would not be able to end without the EU’s permission so EU rules would remain. Some animals objected to Northern Shamrock being treated separately from the rest of the BK.

Boris Cavey: I am adamant. I want the Backstop removed! I vow to leave EU with or without an agreement on 31^st October. We could end up with a ‘No Deal Brexit.’ If I become PM there will be no transition period. EU laws will no longer apply in our marvellous BK. We will be free!

Cheers and boos can be heard.

Scene 12:

Jacob Stoat stands on the stage. He is wearing a monocle.

Jacob: Theresa tried her best I suppose. It wasn’t good enough though.

Narrator: The race was now on for a new Prime Minister.

 Boris scuttles onto the stage and jumps up and down in excitement.

Boris: I Boris De Pfeffel J. Cavey am going to win! I am going to get the EU to renegotiate the deal. Do or die!

Narrator: Michel Barn Owl, the EU’s chief negotiator sighs when he hears the news.

Michel: The withdrawal agreement cannot be renegotiated.

Mr Tusk is elephant president of the EU council he listens to Michel and comments.

Mr Tusk: There is no need to panic. No-one wants a no deal!

Jacob Stoat is listening in the background.

Jacob: Actually I do.

There are some cheers and some boos.

Narrator: Boris celebrates his victory. He loves being Prime Minister and he is certain things will go terribly well with the Brexit Process. Brown Kingdom was set to leave EU on 31^st October, No Ifs,  No buts.

Boris: I know, let’s throw a Halloween party to celebrate!

There are more cheers and boos.

Narrator: Boris arranges for his advisers to call on him early the next morning to help him organise the nibbles for his fabulous party. He hops into bed that night tingling with excitement.

Scene 13 (Unlucky for some!)

The next morning…

Three little knocks are heard on the door.

Narrator: Boris wakes up and dashes down the stairs. He opens the door expecting to see his advisers but as he opens the door he notices a small guinea pig called Pip at the door. Boris gasps in surprise!

Pip: Boris shall we go trick or treating tonight?

Narrator: Stunned Boris realises that he is not in fact the Prime Minister. It turns out that Boris is still a young excitable guinea pig and the whole thing has all been a dream!

The End….Or is it?